The Age-Old Question Of When To Call

Sometimes a first date goes so well that you know there and then that you want to have a second date. The date is duly arranged for a week or so in the future, and one of you – we’ll say for the sake of this example that it is you – promises to call the other at some point in between the dates. This could be to firm up details, to chat with one another or for any number of other reasons. The age in which we live dictates that we must leave a certain amount of time before calling. But how soon is too soon, and how long is too long?

It is received wisdom that anything less than 24 hours comes across as being “too keen”. If the previous date went spectacularly well, however, this rule can be waived in most cases. It simply makes sense to take advantage of the positive impression you will have of one another in the wake of a successful date. Otherwise, it is permissible to have a single day in between – if your date was on the Thursday, you can mandate Friday for a night of DVDs with a friend, then call on the Saturday. Leaving it any longer may be seen as stringing someone along – which should be avoided.

The above rules are, of course, not binding, and you can make your own decisions depending on the situation. However, it should always be remembered that after the first date, “playing hard to get” becomes less endearing and more like a method of torture.

Exit Strategies for the Date from Hell

As much hope as we sometimes invest in a date, there is rarely any guarantee that it will go as we had hoped. The very reason that you go on a date is to find out if you like the other person enough to spend more time with them – and if they feel the same way about you. Sometimes, however, a date can go so badly that you want to end it prematurely. If both parties can agree civilly to do this, then it’s better for all concerned. If, however, the decision to call a halt is unilateral, it is worth having an exit strategy in place. This does not need to be planned like a military operation – but it is worth having back-up in case things go very badly.

Taking a cell phone with you is always wise. Planning with a friend that they call you at a pre-ordained time to make sure all is well allows a possible exit strategy. When the phone goes, look at the display and say “Sorry, I have to take this”, and answer in such a way as to make the escape easier. If you could do with back-up, a code word is an idea. For example, the code word is “fish”. You answer the phone, say “Hello?”, allow your friend to speak and then say “Oh no! Are the fish OK?”. They can then come to your rescue – in case the date turns nasty. If, however, you just want an excuse to leave without being too cruel to the person you are with, you can use the phone call as an excuse to leave. It may not be a nice thing to do, but sometimes you need to look out for yourself.

Be Yourself – A Cliché, But A True Cliché

The undeniable truth that everyone who has ever had a bad date can tell you is that sometimes the spark just is not there, no matter how much you want it to be. A personal connection is not something that you can manufacture and if it isn’t there at all on the first date, the chances of it appearing later on are limited. Rather than blaming anyone, or trying to invent a feeling that isn’t really there, sometimes calling time and parting the ways is the most grown-up reaction. It is easy to get drawn into believing that you need to conform to a certain stereotype, and go into a date with that in mind. This strategy is doomed to fail.

One of the most frequently used pieces of advice anyone will ever hear is “be yourself”. It has been known to send individuals into a furious rage at the mere use of the first syllable. People do not like cliché, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes clichés become clichés because they are true. And you would be well advised to always try to be yourself, for one very good reason if nothing else – eventually, if you put on an act, that act will come to pieces. At that point it is a lot more difficult to regain your dignity and someone else’s trust than if you were honest to begin with.

You can’t make anyone like you if there is no connection there – but if someone is going to like you, it’s better that they like you for you.

Know When To Talk and When To Listen

The joys of dating are many and varied, and experiencing them all is a part of life that should be appreciated for the rare gift that it is. Being in the company of someone who makes you laugh, someone who looks at the world in a way that endears them to you, and someone who knows how to make you feel good is a feeling that cannot be bought. However, it is rare that this will happen naturally on the first meeting. If you are going to employ a strategy where dating is concerned, the most important thing is to make sure that you do not make yourself look either arrogant or meek. Being interesting company requires a balanced approach.

The key to this approach is knowing when to talk and when to listen – or as some would have it, when to talk and when to stop talking. You need to get the balance right. Staying silent all the time will make your date wonder what is wrong with you – or what is wrong with them. Either way it can bring a date to a disappointing end. Talk about yourself, but do not feel the need to share every detail about you. “I like to go to the movies every couple of weeks – even if there’s nothing good on it can be fun to see a stinker” is pretty good. “When I was seven I locked my sister in the garage for six hours” is not. Gauge their reaction and listen to what they have to say too. Don’t get drawn into feeling that the sole purpose of listening is to have something to do while waiting to talk again. A steady flow of conversation is a prime sign of a good date.

Don’t Give Up Hope – Keep Trying

Whatever method of dating you attempt, there is always the chance that the early days will be marked more by failure than by success. It is hard not to be disheartened by this, and there is little that anyone can say to make it feel less painful. As much as these pieces of advice sound like fraudulent cliché, the truth is that very often it’s not anything that’s wrong with you, that sometimes the timing is wrong, and that as long as you stay true to yourself there will be people who find you attractive. As tempting as it may be to wallow in self-deprecation, keeping faith has to be the strategy for you.

If a date goes wrong and you don’t hit it off, it is not because you yourself are fundamentally flawed. For two people to meet and get along brilliantly right away is incredibly rare. We all put up shields – otherwise we would be running around telling everybody what we thought of them, and we would be locked up or beaten up. It takes time. The fact is that sometimes you have to trust that your luck will pick up. If you don’t accept that you need to wait, you can end up convincing yourself that someone utterly unsuited to you is your soulmate – and creating a very problematic situation.

Accept that these things take time, and you will be much of the way towards getting it right. Don’t try to force it and don’t give up. Just show your best side at all times and it will happen for you.

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